It's times like these I wish I could turn back the clock.
To tell you how much you mean to me just one more time.
I know I did everything I could.
But I miss you.
I thought the hole would have begun to heal by now.
But it hasn't.
It feels almost as raw as it did that night you left.
I can still see your eyes, lifeless, staring, gone.
I can still hear your heartbeat, fading, muffled, slowing.
And I can't believe it's been 3 years. 3 damned years of hell and pain and anguish and hurt.
Right now, I just miss you.
You were my rock. But I didn't know it.
You were my hope. But I didn't know it.
You were my everything. But I didn't know it.
And since I no longer have you ... I don't know.
I live. I have to.
But some days, like today, are harder than others.
Maybe it's the wonderful hormones pumping through my body with this extra life growing inside of me.
Maybe it's the miracle of life itself that makes it hurt.
Or maybe it's just that the pain I have felt since you died is much deeper than I realized. And it will take so much more time to heal than I've given to it yet.
Posts
Why, why, why, why
7 years ago
5 comments:
Yes. And these moments, when we see the depth of what we lost, they are so hard.
Alice, your post brought tears to my eyes. In my experience it's best to just embrace the sadness when it overtakes you. Sending you big ((hugs)) today and always!
love you dad.. always thinking of you.. don't visit you as much as I should.. life is the way you said -- too fast and you never get the chance to slow down and take notice to everything you should.. thinking about you all the time.. doesn't really change anything though.. just hope i do things the way you hoped I would... take care of my boys the way you took care of us.. take care of my wife the way you did.. it is a cruel joke.. going by day by day working your ass off in order to provide for your future.. their future.. rush rush gogogo.. success isn't really success.. in the rearview of your efforts for providing for them, you lose so much you could have been there for. the damn kulcsar bug called a work ethic.. grabs you and you fight like hell to slow it down.. pay attn.. enjoy what you have.. every f*cking second of it.. to this day - the only man I could hear call my name "joey" and I know he was talking to me -- and not my oldest... p.s. dad - your lawn and fence look freaking AWESOME -- ofc thats because I'm taking care of them again ;)
I'm so sorry, Alice.
I'm so sorry.
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