I am a mean jealous person.
I am.
Maybe you never knew it (maybe you did).
Oh, and I'm bitter. Baby, I am one bitter person.
Where is all this coming from?
My sister in law is pregnant. She didn't know. She wasn't trying. In fact, she was not trying. Her son is well, a difficult child. He's just way different than Bubba Joe - who enjoys reading books and drawing and being creative and playing the piano and running around.
Oh, and she's almost done with her first trimester before she even suspects that she's pregnant.
And I hate her.
There.
I said it.
I hate her.
We busted our asses. We've been through hell and back with Bubba Joe's pregnancy. I can't even begin to tell you the number of times we went back and forth as to whether to try again. I mean, the risks may be low, but they're there. They're higher, than say, my sister in law's.
I mean, at some point, isn't there a risk that I may lose it all? My life? My child's life? My Bubba Joe?
And there she is, not even trying and finding herself pregnant. No prenatals taken before getting pregnant. No high-risk pregnancy for her.
But for me.
It's all there for me.
I don't want to be reminded of how inadequate my body is during pregnancy.
I'm reminded of that daily when I have to take my BP 3x. Or when I poke my finger to draw blood and check my sugar levels. Or of all the many appointments with doctors to keep an overview on my health.
And there she is - barely 9 weeks behind me.
And I feel mean and hurtful and spiteful and bitter.
I hate preeclampsia.
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What the hell am i doing
6 years ago
9 comments:
No love, this is a natural reaction. It's pretty hard to understand why some of us have to struggle so hard, and other's have it so easy.
you are allowed feelings, do not beat yourself up for having a reaction that is totally normal, hey how about this I am sooo jealous of you, i decided to do the tubal during my c-section, for fear of having any more hard pregnancy days, I so badly am missing em's baby days, he is so grown up and I know I never get the baby days again, but you do! I actually asked my hubby if we could do foster parenting for infants, there are only 4 families here liscensed and the babies are having to be driven over an hour away to find temporary foster care, thankfully he knows I could not let the kids go and he says NO.....it would be sooo hard to have them leave! anyway, love you, just jealous of a new bebe sibling for your son!
No reason to feel even remotely bad for feeling what you do. I would venture to say that most of 'us' have someone/s in our lives who evoke similar feelings. My own sister-in-law, cousin, cousin's wife.
Preeclampsia does suck.
This does not make you a mean jealous person. It's the sucky reality you were given. And it hurt like crazy when someone else gets the easy walk, the experience you would give anything to have.
I truly do understand. My first pregnancy ended with my having an emergency hysterectomy due to placenta acreta. I think I cried for about 6 months every time I saw a woman with an infant carrier because I knew this one baby was all I'd ever get to have.
We did adopt, so I do have a second now. But sometimes it doesn't make me feel any less like the world is unfair because others can do what I no longer can.
So don't beat yourself up for feeling like you do. It stinks but somehow we have to get up and just keep going.
Sounds like how I felt when Justine announced she was preg. 2 months behind me. And that was before all the fun preclampsia stuff happened.
It's also how I felt when you were preg. with BJ. I thought it wasn't fair that you got such great care compared to what I dealt with for my first 2.
Look at it this way... your "baby" isn't as difficult at this stage as hers. Yours has a mommy who knows exactly what he needs and when, she's still learning. You will be fine with a preemie or bedrest since you've been there before and know what to expect, she doesn't. She doesn't get what a hard preg. is, and pray that she never does. I really wish you didn't. Heck, I wish I didn't.
Love you sis.
I'm sorry. Your feelings have validity and I am sorry that this has made you feel this way. But, I won't love your sil's baby, so there you go, it's not nearly as fortunate. And her baby won't have you two for parents, so it's all around unfortunate.
awwww.
*hug*
I also am a mean and jealous person and hate people who don't have the medical problem I was born with, but I survive.
Sometimes I wonder how, but I do.
And you will too :)
As I wait for another cycle to disappoint me and remind me that my 41-year old body isn't fertile ground, I say this: I don't even know her and I am jealous, too!
You have a right to those feelings. It's okay to hate it all.
Hugs
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