Home. My German-language-filled Holidays.

I've been home now for 1 week. Where was I? Someplace warm? Someplace exciting? Well, no, not really. I was admitted on the afternoon of December 24th, just as I was beginning to prepare the evening meal to share with my inlaws, to the Uni-Klinik in Muenster for observation.

Minimum 2 day stay.

They did not like the 24-hour blood pressure test results. What is that you ask? Because I am high-risk, the perinatologist (high-risk OB) wanted me to track my BP for 24-hours. I went to my local Hausartzt (regular doc) who fitted me with a BP cuff and a machine that would track the measurements. It went off every 15 minutes during the day and every 30 minutes at night.

As I was admitted, they placed an IV. Thankfully, the doc who placed the IV admitted it would hurt. And it did. They started a magnesium sulfate drip - to prevent strokes and seizures for my sporadically high BPs. (We're talking 5 times in a 24-hour period of 180/130 BPs. Yikes!)

Then they sent me up to ICU. Where I was hooked up to all kinds of machines for monitoring.

They ran lots of lab work.

And came back and explained they were treating it as severe preeclampsia and would back off appropriately.

I stayed there for 2 weeks. Of the 2 weeks, I was on an IV drip for 12/14 days.

During that time, my german language skills improved so much that I was able to watch german TV AND understand it enough to laugh! Seriously. Of course, I tended to watch cartoons - Sponge Bob is still funny in german.

After nearly 1 week of good labs, I begged them to let me go home.

I've been home now 1 week and in a state of hibernation. I guess you could say I was/am in shock from it all.

While there, we toured the NICU, met with the neonatologists who explained what we could expect from a baby born at 28/29 weeks gestation, met with the anesthesiologist, was re-explained what a c-section is and how it is done in Germany, had daily NSTs (sometimes more than one when little girl was sleeping) and shared a room with strange German women.

I had a follow-up appointment today at the Klinik. My dx is officially mild preeclampsia. I'll be seeing the peri every 2 weeks and my regular OB every 2 weeks - basically one appointment per week.

So far, I'm okay and little girl is okay. Tomorrow is 31 weeks gestation. I'm so thankful to still be pregnant but recognize that the road ahead is quite long. Lots of time for lots (either good or bad) to happen.

I've ordered 2 prenatal yoga dvds to help me STOP stressing (he he - yeah, if you know me you can imagine how obsessed I've become with this all). Hopefully they'll arrive within the next 2 days - amazon.de and amazon.co.uk ship amazingly fast.

For now, I'm enjoying my time with Bubba Joe. Oh - and loving the household help that has taken over all household chores - laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. I really am able to just relax and enjoy my family.

The ugly truth

I am a mean jealous person.



I am.



Maybe you never knew it (maybe you did).



Oh, and I'm bitter. Baby, I am one bitter person.



Where is all this coming from?



My sister in law is pregnant. She didn't know. She wasn't trying. In fact, she was not trying. Her son is well, a difficult child. He's just way different than Bubba Joe - who enjoys reading books and drawing and being creative and playing the piano and running around.



Oh, and she's almost done with her first trimester before she even suspects that she's pregnant.



And I hate her.



There.



I said it.



I hate her.



We busted our asses. We've been through hell and back with Bubba Joe's pregnancy. I can't even begin to tell you the number of times we went back and forth as to whether to try again. I mean, the risks may be low, but they're there. They're higher, than say, my sister in law's.



I mean, at some point, isn't there a risk that I may lose it all? My life? My child's life? My Bubba Joe?



And there she is, not even trying and finding herself pregnant. No prenatals taken before getting pregnant. No high-risk pregnancy for her.



But for me.



It's all there for me.



I don't want to be reminded of how inadequate my body is during pregnancy.



I'm reminded of that daily when I have to take my BP 3x. Or when I poke my finger to draw blood and check my sugar levels. Or of all the many appointments with doctors to keep an overview on my health.



And there she is - barely 9 weeks behind me.



And I feel mean and hurtful and spiteful and bitter.



I hate preeclampsia.

The Preeclampsia Foundation - educating families

By now, most of you know that I'm very passionate about preeclampsia education.

Preeclampsia robbed me of any ideas I had for a normal, healthy birth. Preeclampsia is what I blame for Bubba Joe's ongoing health issues.

A few months after Bubba Joe came home from the NICU, I found the Preeclampsia Organization. They are an online support group - but they are also so much more than that. Founded by, and supported by, top researchers and victems of the disease, they've produced the following video. Please check it out. And please share it with any woman you know who is pregnant or considering becoming pregnant.

As GI Joe once said (at least I think it was him!) knowledge is power.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W2g_WJDrogo

My doctor appointment today

Well, all I can say is that we're definately delivering at this hospital (which means we're not going to look at the other one my OB recommended).

Immediately, I fell in *love* with this high-risk doc. She's young but super sweet, intelligent and more than competant. Here's the plan:

1) I will see the high-risk doc every 4 weeks, in between my regular OB appointments. That means I'll be seeing someone every 2 weeks (yikes!)

2) I will have three (3) 24-hour collections - one in each trimester. Since I'm at the end of my first trimester, I am to do one for my next visit in 2 weeks.

3) I go again in 2 weeks for the first of my many intensive u/s screenings (I believe they're doppler). At that time I'll also take in my first 24-hour sample (see note below).

4) I will have two (2) 3-hour glucose testings done - again the first one in 2 weeks when I go (it'll be a loooong morning). The next one will be around 20-something weeks. She feels that the 3-hour is more reliable (as she explained the 1-hour is just an indicator, but the 3-hour is definitive).

5) I am to measure my BP three times daily and fax to them once a week.

6) She is on a team of 3 doctors. One of the three of them will deliver me (or be there in conjunction with the midwife). Which makes me feel SO much better knowing that I will be developing a relationship with the doctor in who's hands my life is.

NOTE: Interestingly, for the 24-hour collection ... I do it at home and must keep it in the fridge. BUT - they don't have any hats to collect the urine in! When I asked the midwife if they had anything that went on the toilet (like what I had in Ohio) she kind of chuckled at me! She said she wasn't sure how I was to collect it but that every drop had to be there!

I am to collect it all and then, after the last collection, shake it up well and take a sample with the syringe she provided to take in for their testing. Yup, it's self-service 24-hour urine collection, in my own home! (I'm thinking ew, gross ... but hey, I'm so impressed with how thorough they are, I can definately handle this!)

So I think that's about it.

Oh yeah - when the midwife took my BP at the end of the appointment - get this - it was 120/70. Yeah, 120/70. Wow. I haven't seen numbers that low since I became a nutcase checking my BP all. the. time. :) She also did it manually, which I do think accounts for something.

During the entire appointment, I could just feel my body relaxing and my nerves settling. I feel good. And that is a very nice feeling.

Such a simple concept

As I was putting Henry down for his nap, I was singing to him ...

Go to sleep, little one

the time has come

for you to sleep.

Whatever your dream,

the world is yours

just close your eyes

and it's yours.

And it hit me.

I am so paranoid about so many things going wrong in this pregnancy. I know, I mean I really do *know* what can happen. I know that I'm at risk for developing preeclampsia again and I know women who've lost their beautiful babies because of this shitty disease.

And I'm scared.

Not scared like I was when I held dad's hand as he died. But scared in another way - scared as a mother, scared as a wife.

But all my fears don't do anything. What does do something, how I can be proactive, is to close my eyes and dream. Bubba Joe's Dad and I made this decision to take a leap of faith and try to conceive again.

I'd begun to give up hope, after 9 months of actively trying.

But then we closed our eyes, and dreamed.

Here I am, 10 weeks pregnant.

So many things can go wrong. So many things in my life have gone wrong, but I'm still here, and I've made it through hell to return and tell ya'll that I can do this.

So I'm going to head my own words and let the world be mine.

If anything happens, there's nothing I can do about it. Preeclampsia has no cure, no diet, no vitamins, nothing that can prevent it if its gonna happen. But I don't have to let it consume me with fear. Rather, I'm chosing to dream of the pregnancy that I always wanted.